One hour of therapy

Today was an unproductive and right out shitty day. I'm not really going to in depth of why because
I don't want this blog to be a place where I go on and on how shitty my life is and how I feel sorry for myself.
That's just not me. My life is great because I try my best make it so. But some days, there's just stuff that gets too much. Anyways...

After a bit of studying today and five hours at work, I headed off to the rink for my final practice for this season.
My head was really messy from this day's "this really changes the whole perspective" news and I really needed to get my mind off things. But my terrible mood didn't change when I got to the dressing room, which it usually does. I usually got my mind of packing up my equipment, preparing it to put on and perhaps chirp a teammate or two. But today, I was silent, obviously having my thoughts in another place. It annoyed me. I got even more eager here to get on to the ice and doing my routines that I do every time; take three laps, stretching near the boards with the other goaltenders on the team and head for my crease to prepare it for the warm-up shots.

Stepping out on the ice and doing my routines didn't help either. I was still not focused. But as soon as the first warm-up shot game, with me gloving it, I was completely focused on the stopping the puck. And I did it well, in fact way better than I use to. I'm usually kinda relaxed on warm-ups, perhaps too relaxed and perhaps allowing more goals than I should. But I think I allowed just two goals tonight. That really set the tone for the rest of the practice, or I should really say shinny because that what it turned into. When 25 guys shows up, including goaltenders, and it's the last practice of the season, you're not to keen on focusing on details.
So we played for a about an hour. I allowed one bad goal and the other three wasn't really my fault.
I left a bit early when I felt my hips aching (been having issues with them for a while) and I was really relaxed and felt happy again.  

And that's the beauty with doing something you really love. You easily get your mind off bad things and other stuff that worries you, at least for a while. For me hockey is really one hour of pure therapy. It's like having a friend that always pats your back and say: "Everything is going to be just fine."

And that is really how I feel right now.

Everything is just fine, at least for a while.

Disappointments and expectations

As long as I've been able to, I've always loved to write. I might not write on a consistent basis, but I always come back to it one way or another. But don't think i'm considering a career in that profession. I'm too restless for that.
Now, let's get down to it shall we?

I'll start telling a little bit of history. It's not unique in anyway nor spectacular. But I think a lot of people will recognize themselves in my story.
My first career ended as with most people - early. I started playing organized hockey when I was eight, started playing goal at nine and quit when I was fourteen. The organization I played for considered me not to be good enough for them anymore as they were narrowing down the team. Although I'm in no way bitter about it now (I'm no man who holds a grudge) I still remember the feeling to this day.

I was disappointed, to say the least. To hear from the team that you've played for so many years and learned to love that you had to look for another team was heartbreaking and quit right away. It was something that I come to regret a few years later, but hey, you can't make the right call every time.

Let's fast forward a couple of years, 2009 to be precise. It was the year I picked up the game again after a 12-year absence. And from playing a couple of times a year, the team I played for (and still do) started practicing regularly two times a week. And it's been a joyful ride to see the team with a bunch of different types of players from all levels grow from a punching-bag to a team that can compete against most amateur teams.

Personally, i'm coming off one of my best season ever since I picked up hockey again. Statistically, my record was 6-2-0, including the playoffs, with a 4.65 GAA (Goals Against Average) . Okay, comparing to pro's, that GAA is horrible but in our league it's pretty decent. We battled our way to the best record in the regular season and went into the playoffs as one of the top contender for the league champi0nship.

Now, something I've been struggling with earlier seasons is my mental game. I've been very nervous prior to game and i've let that bring out the worst in me. But this season, I've managed to focus on the positive things, thanks to some training from John Haley on The Goalie's mind. And when I went into the playoffs, I had the same positive feeling. But when I stepped into the ice for the first game, it all went south. I played horrible. Gave up rebound. Making wrong decisions. Battling the puck. We managed to win the game 11-5 and had our ticket secured to the finals. But I knew it wasn't thanks to me. The guys bailed me out.

And when I went into the finals, I've managed to re-focus again. I felt good. Felt like we had a chance. I wasn't going to be beaten easy. I was ready for battle. And it all went south. Again. We got blown out 10-2 and I left the ice midway through the third, being a goal away from a complete meltdown. I was frustrated. Angry.

When the game ended, I thought back of that day in June 1998 when I got cut from the team.
It was the same feeling, but the one thing I was disappointed in was myself. I've let my team down.
They expected me to play well. To give them a chance to win.

Now, this isn't me dwelling over it now or anything like that. It was just what I felt at that time.
Almost a month has past since then and I've learned my lesson - never set too high expectations on yourself.
I'm not saying that you shouldn't have expectations or goals. Those things are important in my opinion.
But at least in my case, the expectations I had for myself put an important thing in the shadow - having fun.
I was so eager performing well for my teammates that I ended up disappointing myself instead.
I forgot to go out and relax, and play the game that I love with joy. 

In the end, it is just a game.